White House Installs Dedicated Bus for Throwing Aides Under, Officials Confirm
The vehicle, which seats forty-two, has already exceeded capacity in its first week of operation.
Survey Finds Most Americans Believe Red, Yellow, and Orange Bell Peppers Are Simply Green Bell Peppers That Have Ripened
Researchers called the findings consistent with what they described as a 'catastrophic and ongoing failure of the produce aisle.'
Multiverse Researcher Finds That 95 Percent of People, if Raised in a Tribe of Cannibals, Would Become Cannibals
The remaining 5 percent, researchers noted, also exhibited dietary flexibility but were classified separately due to methodological constraints.
Local Man Confident That 'Pay It Forward' Applies to Bad Things as Well as Good
Kevin Driscoll says the whole point is to keep the chain going, regardless of what you're passing along.
Immanuel Kant Found Guilty of Violating His Own Categorical Imperative by Holding People to Impossibly High Standards Regarding Their Thoughts
The tribunal noted that Kant's demand for pure practical reason had itself failed to meet the standard of universalizability.
Facebook Vice President of Global Connectivity Has No Friends
His profile, which has been active since 2008, lists his friend count as zero, a figure his communications team described as 'accurate.'
Company Behind 'Herpeze' Seeks New Name for Snake Trapeze After Consumer Backlash
The rebranding effort comes after the product's name was cited in more than four hundred negative reviews, none of which mentioned the trapeze itself.
Area Man Always Cooks Probiotic Foods Thoroughly to Ensure All Germs Are Killed
He has never once gotten sick from his kefir, which he heats to an internal temperature of 165 degrees Fahrenheit.
Annual Paleontology Symposium Opens With Land Acknowledgment to Dinosaurs
Organizers noted that dinosaurs occupied this land for approximately 165 million years before their concerns were formally recognized at an academic conference.
AI Writing Tool Declines to Satirize George Soros, Remains Willing to Satirize Fictional Billionaire With Identical Characteristics
The tool expressed willingness to write the same article about a character named 'Jorge Saurus,' which it described as a meaningfully different request.